In 2010, three college commissions met in a secret underground bunker to discuss the future of the game. This is their story.
Commissioners:
Dan Beebe – Big 12
Mike Slive – SEC
JIm Delany – Big Ten
Larry Scott – Pac 10
Delany and Slive at the same time: I’d like to thank you both for coming to the nation’s capital to meet with me.
Scott: *Shakes his head at the other two* Look guys, if this is going to work, we have to work together. The Mountain West and the WAC are stirring the pot and Congress may force us to have a true college playoff on our hands if we don’t do something.
Delany and Slive nod their heads and answer together: Yeah, no one wants that.
Scott: Exactly, that would cut into our profits. The Big East is taking too much already and we can get it all back but we have a small window and need to act fast. My conference is in 4 states on the west coast, Jim, you are in 8, and Mike you are in 9. That’s only 21 total states and while we dominate our respective areas, the politicians are going to kill us in congress if we don’t take drastic action. Jim, you started the ball rolling with your statement that you are ‘looking to add a team’. What’s your plan.”
Delany: We are doing a thorough investigation and….
Slive: Cut the bullshit Jim. Who do you want?
Delany: Texas and Notre Dame.
Slive and Scott: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! *catches breath*
Delany: The metrics make……..
Slive and Scott: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! *eventually they stop laughing*
Scott: Notre Dame hates you and Texas isn’t going anywhere without Oklahoma.
Delany: We are the Big Ten!
*An awkward silence fills the for a few seconds*
Slive: You can have Nebraska and Missouri.
Delany: Nebraska and Notre Dame?
Scott: If you can convince them. The state of Texas is mine.
Slive: Not so fast. I want A&M.
Delany: I want Texas.
Scott: It’s not going to happen Jim but do your best. Let’s get Beebe in here. I need to tell him.
Beebe: Hey guys! For some reason the door was locked.
*The others smile*
Scott: Sorry about that Dan. I just wanted you to know I’ve sent an offer to Texas that I’d take them, Colorado and 4 others of their choosing to join the Pac 10.
**Delany, Slive, and Beebe look shocked**
Beebe: Aren’t we supposed to these these things in advance?
Scott: That’s what we are doing right now. I need you to get Texas to agree to my deal and you can be my special asst commissioner in Austin.
Beebe: *gulp* Um sure Larry.
Scott: I hear the pizza guy outside. Can you go get it?
Beebe: Sure Larry. *Beebe leaves and Scott locks the door behind him.*
*Slive and Delany look angry*
Scott: I want Texas.
Delany and Slive: Obviously.
Slive: Texas won’t come.
Scott: If you want someone take A&M. I don’t need them. Jim you take Nebraska.
Slive: Who’s taking Missouri?
Delany smiles: You are.
Slive looks angry: You win this round Jim but you should remember that I have a long memory.
--------------------------------------
In 2012, they reconvene.
Slive starts the conversation by asking Scott: How’d Texas work out for you?
Scott: Fuck off. We did get Utah.
**Delany and Slive snicker while Scott glares at them both**
Scott: Look you assholes. This isn’t about getting the best football teams or creating good matchups. We are getting votes. The congressmen in Utah were talking too much and I took care of it. Have you heard a peep from them since?
**Delany and Slive nod and answer in unison** Thanks Larry.
Scott: With Colorado and Utah, I’m up to 6 states in the west and most of the votes west of the Rockies. There isn’t much else I can do so the ball’s in your court.
Delany: What about BYU and Boise State?
Scott: The hippies in Berkley won’t let the former happen and do we really want to share our money with a bunch of potato farmers? It’s not many votes. You guys have better options.
Delany: I added Nebraska and Mike added Texas A&M and Missouri. That gives us 26 states though I’d say our hold on Texas, Georgia and Florida is tenuous.
Scott turns to Slive: Can you make A&M look good this year? Whatever we can do to make the Longhorns look bad should help us get them in line.
Slive: I see you still hold a bit of a grudge but it’s doable. Saban owes me big time but we still need more votes. *He looks at Delany and smiles* You get Rutgers.
Delany: Fuck that! I crawled out of that hell hole as a boy and said I was never going back.
Slive: Do you remember remember Missouri? *Slive laughs* I can sweeten the deal to give you your alma mater North Carolina too.
Delany: Don’t you think I haven’t already tried?
Slive: How about this? You take Rutgers and Maryland. I’ll follow by taking NC State and Virginia Tech which will cripple the ACC. You should then be able to easily get Virginia and your precious, North Carolina. It even fits with your CIC BS of wanting only AAU members.
Delany brightens: That might work. I’ll do it.
Scott pats them both on the back: That’s great. That will give us 30 states. We will even be filibuster proof.
The three begin to laugh maniacally.
Delany: Then can I have Notre Dame? I’ll take Georgia Tech too to ensure our hold on that state.
Scott and Slive at the same time: Only if I can have Texas…….
**shouting ensues**
….. to be continued …..
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